Confronting Courageously

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Things in life happen.  We all have ups and downs.  Relationships move forward, take steps back and sometimes end.  Most people would say “That’s life.  Move on.”  This can leave you feeling like you need to “deal” with what happened, your feelings and what comes next as something to manage alone.  Not the best place to be especially when dealing with a big or traumatic event.  I’d like for us to take another avenue, that of confronting courageously. 
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When you think about it, most inter-relational events happen not in a vacuum but as the culmination of a series of smaller occurrences.  A lot of the time the series of events happens almost imperceptibly.  Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• What is this REALLY about?  Asking this takes courage.  It requires you to look at the continuum of events in sequential order to get to the root cause of what happened.  Is this really about you? Is it about them? Is it the current environment or something else?  Maybe there are unconscious biases showing up.  Maybe the biases are conscious and manifesting because of the current environment.  Lay off the judgement on this question and really dig deep to get at the truth.
• What is the real lesson here? The lesson for YOU.  Not what you think the other person/people should learn.  This is the question that takes the most time.  It requires you to be honest with yourself.  The lesson can be many things:  It’s not a reciprocal relationship aka you give more than what you get.  Maybe you are taking more than what you are giving. 
• Do I really want to fix/deal with this?  The real question tends to be- am I invested enough in the relationship to continue or not.  This is the hardest step.  We all want to be liked, to feel part of the group.  Sometimes we work really hard to “fit in.”  The truth is that under stressful situations or after a series of events, there may be a hard truth to learn.  They are just not that into you.  Once you come to a realization like this you need to decide wether this is a place/people that 1) deserve you and what you bring to the table and 2) whether you want to do the work to continue to grow the relationship and 3) find out and accept whether THEY are willing to put equal effort or not.  If any of the answers are no, you know it’s time to move on.  It will not feel good.  But you will feel at peace with your decision.  

Working through an exercise like this after an event or situation can be emotional.  I have found it both emotional and cathartic.  I’ve been able to accept some hard truths about myself and others and made decisions accordingly.  We grow not just when things are going great but when things are hard.  Lean into the difficult times knowing that you will be a stronger version of yourself afterwards.  

So, how are you confronting courageously? 

Of note:  Some relationships, group dynamics and environments are toxic.  You may need the assistance of a friend, coach or professional to help you identify this and deal with it.  Toxicity is not where we live our best lives.  If you feel like you are in a toxic place or relationship seek help.