You work hard, do charity work, do your homework because you work and go to school, take care of your kids, significant others, parents, etc. Then it’s your turn………Well, guess what, you are doing it wrong.
There is a reason why during the safety briefing on a plane they tell you “put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others.” You are no go to those around you if you are not at your best. Being at your best requires self care. And here is a tip: self care is not selfish. Putting others first, and not taking care of you is not selfless either. Self care means different things to different people. From taking quiet time, meditating, having a routine for your bath/shower, massage, full blown spa day or just taking a walk in nature, your self care needs to be something that:
So, what’s your self care plan? Mine is spelled out on what my husband and I call the “family calendar”. I have yoga, intention setting session and dinner with friends all in the next 2 weeks.
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Do you ever feel like you are pushing against a current? You want something but feel like you are fighting all the way to get there with little to no help or support? In turn, have you ever experienced when things just happen as if by magic? Everything aligns and comes easily. These are the opposite ends of what I call “being in the flow.”
So what is “the flow?” Think of your life journey as a river. Some areas run fast and other slow with pebbles and obstacles. Some are like water rapids. You are on the raft/canoe/wheel barrel riding down this river. Your job is to identify the current and be part of it, paddle to jump into a different current or paddle against the current. When I am speaking with people that are struggling with making changes or deciding what to do next his I often hear: “well if I’m padding and feel resistance because I want to change direction that is a good thing right?” “I should have to fight to make a change.” “Change is not easy so it should feel a little like a struggle, right?” My answer to these questions and statements is NO, absolutely NOT. Here is the thing. Being in the flow is a way for the universe, spirit or whatever is out there to help you know the difference between a good thing, a bad thing and a great thing. We have free will and so with that comes the paddle you use to steer. However, when you are going towards something great, that is for your highest and best interest, you don’t have to paddle much. It just happens for you. You are in the flow. When you are moving towards a new current, yes you paddle, but there are intersecting points that move you towards that new current faster, more effectively and with less strife or work. Do it too early and it can be more difficult, do it too late and you might miss the current altogether. So how do you know when it’s time? Yeah I’m getting a little metaphysical here- listen to the signs. Here’s what I mean: Tribe is defined as “a group of people, or a community with similar values or interests, a group with a common ancestor, or a common leader” (https://www.yourdictionary.com/tribe). We all have our tribes and play different roles depending on which tribes we are a part of. Your core tribe is the group of people that sustain you during the good, bad and ugly times. Other tribes develop through work and social relationships. Tribes are different from your regular relationships and acquaintances. Knowing who is in your tribe helps you to define safe spaces, safe conversations where you ideate, get feedback or just plain old get the truth (even if you won’t like it).
Your tribe is yours not because you were born into it but because you chose it. Choosing it happens organically, over time and irrespective of distance. No matter what tribe you are a part of, or how many people are in it, there are four core elements that are always present and will help you know who truly is in your tribe: • Support: Not the fake “I am here for you” kind. The kind that gets in the car, picks you up and says “we are getting through this together.” • Encouragement: Not the cheerleaders…… The ones that are actually pushing you to build your dreams, tell you that you can do it and go to all things that you invite them to and say great job, do it again. Think mom & dad going to your first dance, piano, or other such recitals that are pretty much epic and not at all what we want them to be. They told you that you were great (even though now you know better). That is real encouragement. • Truth: That friend or family member you love, and then you hate because they DID NOT tell you what you wanted to hear but what you NEEDED to hear. You know who they are. • Connectors: Those people that come to mind first when you need to figure something out and don’t know where to start. They know people, places and can get you going in the right direction and will not take advantage of you or your questions for their enjoyment. We have talked about keeping your balance. In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, here are several short podcasts originally shared through the Harvard Business review on mental health and work, being the "only" one and other great candid conversations from leaders on keeping the balance and getting help and support when there is none. I want to thank MaryAnn Cruz, super awesome business coach, for pointing me in this direction! It takes a village. If you would like to know MaryAnn, you can learn more at maryanncruz.co
The Anxious Achiever: Rethink Mental Health at Work with Candid Stories from Leaders Who've Been there So, what are you doing for you today? For me, today I took some time off this AM from my work to spend the day with one of my good friends. Connecting with friends and loved ones is an awesome way to recharge and get perspective. Next up on the blog list: Let's talk about your Tribe. While it is true that employees with some frequency change jobs, and sometimes roles within a company, to get away from a non-functioning relationship with a manager, there are times when employees leave the company culture. Company cultures have personalities, quirks and nuances that make them unique. No two are alike and like managers, sometimes the cultures are not self-aware or a good fit for high performing individuals.
Company cultures evolve, develop and change just like managers grow and develop through experiences. Company cultures, however, evolve based on what is perceived as values by employees and leaders. Sure, companies have their mission and vision to define value and goals but these values are colored by the myriad of personalities and interpretations within a company. Sometimes, the culture, as defined, is aspirational, while in action it’s a lot muddier and difficult to navigate. It’s easy to say that people leave their managers. However, when you see a series of high performing individuals leave, you have to ask the question, is it really management or is this a symptom of our culture? This is not an easy question to ask when companies set values such as inclusive, collaborative, supportive, and innovative. In an age where diversity and inclusion are buzz words, companies really promote the positive aspects of their eco system and may turn a blind eye to other symptoms within the environment that may be reflective of unhealthy behaviors that are inadvertently supported by the culture. Self- awareness is not something that applies to individuals, it also applies to companies. Companies, through their leadership teams, need to have a full understanding of what employees perceive the culture in action to be. Having real dialogue with employees about how they perceive the culture and being vulnerable enough to ask the tough questions: “are we really collaborative; do you feel included AND that you belong; do you think others feel like they belong; in our supportive environment, do you think you have a voice?; is there anything that gives you angst about working here?” and not discounting these as individual experiences, but really taking in the information and identifying themes will give leaders the opportunity to get a sense for how the culture, in action, is affecting employees. So, leaders, ready to start a real dialog about company culture? When was the last time you really stepped out and explored one of your “crazy” ideas. Maybe you want to start a business, write a book, do something in fashion or entertainment. What’s stopping you? I have had several mentees lately talk through why they are not following their passions. The most consistent responses are: “it’s not realistic,” “I’m too busy,” “it’s not a real job.”
When you really think about these reasons, it all boils down to them not being comfortable and maybe even feeling like they will not be accepted if they change direction. In a previous blog I talked about how to overcome some of the fears. Today we are going to talk about removing the Why Not. So first things first. What’s the worst thing that can happen if you don’t try? Unless it’s jumping off a plane with no parachute then really it’s something better than death. If the issue is that your idea is outside the norm, then really it’s more about you deciding to be your whole authentic self versus trying to please others. Second, what’s a real job anyway??? In today’s day and age, a real job is anything you want it to be. It might be in a corporate role but more and more people are paving their own way, thriving and dare I say making a good living following their passions. Finally, ask yourself, if you executed on your idea or passion, how would you feel? Happier? Fulfilled? Whole? That is they key question and what should really drive your decision. Your fulfillment is not selfish, it benefits you and let’s you lead a full life. It benefits those around you because you will be happier and great to hang out with! So, get out there and LEAD your life. When you do, others will follow. P.s. don’t worry about the haters. That’s their karma, not yours to deal with. Not everything in life happens the way we plan or expect. Life is a journey riddled with twists and bends, sometimes cliffs that require leaps of faith and the never-ending forks on the road. Our ability to flex, bend and leap are part of what makes it either interesting, nerve pinching or peaceful. Recently I have spent time looking at my life, its direction and whether I need to make adjustments. For me, that can be difficult. I am a high-risk taker that finds herself in a time where life is at a lull. Great family, good friends, a fantastic husband and suddenly, I went from taking big leaps to sticking to the path.
As I am evaluating where I am, I am asking myself these questions:
For me this internal dialogue is ongoing. This conversation with my inner self is bringing out a version of me that I did not know was there- and I like her. This “new” inner me is more confident, and while not entirely satisfied with where I am at today, I can see where I would like to be, and I am making plans. So, when was the last time you talked with your inner self? Maybe its time for a re-introduction. You might find that, like me, there is someone there that is itching for a heart to heart talk. Everything is a leap……..EVERYTHING. The real question is, is it a big leap or a small one? Deciding how you want your coffee is not a big leap, unless you are a staunch Starbucks follower and need to stop at Dunkin' when there is no Starbucks. Think about it. That decision for some is a huge one and could be considered a big risk: Is it going to be good? Do they have espresso? Where do their beans come from? Am I making a mistake?
Take this example to an even higher level: Do I take a career risk. These come in many forms from applying to the next position, promotion or looking to change employers to an even bigger leap (for some) starting your own business. The questions take the same tone: Is it going to be a good thing? Is that new team one where I fit in? Are they coffee drinkers? Will they like me? Am I crazy for wanting a change? Am I making a mistake going out on my own? What can feel very different in these decisions are the unknown factors that directly affect you. So let’s talk about how to turn big leaps into smaller leaps. I’m not talking about taking baby steps…….. When making decisions aka taking leaps, removing the unknowns will make all the difference in shrinking that distance from where you are to where you want to be. So how do we do that? Hi. I’m Delpha. That’s me, at work, on any given weekday. My schedule consists of meetings, helping others make decisions and supporting teams when takings risks. I also spend a great deal of time mentoring, coaching and sometimes giving tough love. Whenever someone new comes to my office, the first thing they ask is: how did you get to where you are at today? Frankly, it’s a long story but the simple answer is that one day I made a choice, the following day I made another and so on. Some of those choices were about work. Others were about looking around my life and deciding that change was warranted. There were happy decisions, really hard decisions and some were no brainers.
In all of that I have come to one conclusion. I “Lead” my life. All of it, not just at work but in all facets. We spend a lot of time talking, coaching and teaching others to be “leaders” at work when in reality, leadership is a choice that encompasses the totality of our lives. So today I launch this page for all of those who ask “how do I get to where you are at?” My answer is: Let’s talk about how you are “Leading” in your life. |
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